"(To the question, 'how are you?)
I'm good thanks. Growing. Confronting. Hurting. Healing. Feeling... Yes, for the first time in ages - REALLY feeling, and allowing my heart to feel. Letting go of the so-called control which I thought I had. Letting go of you and the control I thought you had to have.
Peeking over the walls to see what's on the outside. It looks amazing! It's scary to feel again, scary to let you see me feel. Scary to stay standing, and to not run and or hide...behind a joke, a comment, excuses, an encased heart.
Reaching out is hard to do. As is expressing all this. The muscles need a bit more excercise. The vocab needs some refreshing. But they'll come around soon enough. It's not under my control any longer.
I'm good thanks. Dealing... With the consequences of a lifetime of (good and not so good) choices. But walking in the grace to deal with it and grow through it.
Realising more and more that He is God, and I'm not. If I may paraphrase Louie:
I am not (always ok) but I know the I Am.
Thanks for asking. How are you?"
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I wrote this post more than a year ago, and posted it to my notes on Facebook. At the time I felt that I was perhaps one of not too many people who felt this way, when asked the simple question of "how are you" upon being greeted. To me, simply saying “I’m fine” or “I’m good thanks, how are you?” didn’t feel adequate or honest enough. Yet, at the same time I had hoped that it would give a voice of sorts to others who might not quite be there yet...at that place of verbalising what it is they would like to say, but are to scared / ashamed / embarrassed to say it. As I have already mentioned, it is already more than a year down the line. And do I ever realise how a lot more people are saying all of the above – and then some – when replying with a simple “I’m fine” or “I’m good thanks, how are you?”...
More often than not, I realise what it is that people are saying when they’re not saying anything else but ‘fine’ or ‘good’. The challenge (or disaster in fact) that I’ve been confronted with in recent days is that I have taken little or no action when faced with these realisations – be it in a physical action, or simply saying a prayer for the person. Given, I probably do pray for those individuals more than I realise or am aware of in that moment – either in the Spirit or in humanly recognizable lingo. But is that ever enough?
Lee Ezell has a teaching called “The Cinderella Syndrome”. In a nutshell, she expounds on the fact that we are responsible TO people but not FOR people. In other words, we are in not responsible for the decisions (good or bad) that other people take, but we can encourage them and walk alongside them in the event of a wrong turn or dealing with the repercussions of decisions made as a result of clouded judgement. Never before has that teaching rung so true to me as now.
In the past couple of days I have been confronted with the heartbreaking reality that becomes clear when a friend is included in those that have made the latter mentioned decisions. Somewhere in my heart I am faced with the possibility that I did not fight for that friend as much as I could have. Being a fulltime student...working part-time...busy schedule...my own tiredness being the main consideration when deciding whether or not I will schedule a heart-to-heart with a friend... As a friend, a spiritual sister and her small group leader I feel that I could have fought for her more...that I should have fought for her more, albeit only in the Spirit?
All possibilities considered, we might not make a noticeable difference in decisions that they are about to make or the repercussions thereof – good or bad. In principle, we should be certain that our responsibility has been met – in any which way – at that point where our lives intersect with the lives of others...that we have said, prayed and done what we should have. And that the Nett result of it all will serve to glorify God.
I remain perplexed however at the sense of helplessness that ensues in the aftermath of incidents in people’s lives like that which has transpired over the last couple of days in the life of my friend. Perhaps it is another topic entirely at play here – our desire to be in control of everything in life, or the sincere questioning of whether we have done all that we could to avoid them taking that turn? I presently settle my heart and mind in the fact that God is God and I am not. He is the Author and finisher of our faith, and our very being. He can and will use anything in our lives and turn it into a testimony of His majesty and glory if we let Him.
So, how are you?
