A-gap-héy

Human Relations has been defined as the science of relating to, working with and through people effectively. This is part of the expectation I had when I went into the subject of Human Relations - that it would be kind of a scientific approach to relating to other human beings, with just more societal mumbo jumbo, terminology and stuff that I needed to remember for the exam. The fact that the subject forms part of my theology degree should have been reason enough for me to expect the contrary however…and it did not disappoint in that regard.

One of the greatest things that I enjoyed learning from this subject, was having scriptural equivalents to the “nonspiritual” Rogerian Triad - Identified by Carl Rogers in the 1960’s. In my early young adult aged days, I attended an introductory course in psychology, and I was familiar with the terminology in Carl Roger’s triad. However, seeing these terms linked to scriptural equivalent, excited me on a much deeper level. The terms compare as folllows:

- Accurate empathy / Mercy
- Genuineness / Truth
- Non-possessive warmth / Grace
(Rozell, 2004, p. 196)

As it goes with most of my subjects, realisations that are all nice and fluffy at first generally turn out to become rather certain elements in providing challenges in my often obstinate heart. I was challenged in the way that I relate to people myself – regardless of the level of authority which I am under or need to enforce, or the level of intimacy in any given friendship. It is still an ongoing journey, but for what I have been made aware of, it did not turn out too bad.

One aspect which I felt challenged with – which I did not see coming by any stretch of the imagination – was a secondary racial judgement which I picked up from someone else. I was reminded of a time before I had even known that this subject existed in my degree programme. I found myself in the memory of sitting in a ladies’ conference earlier in 2011, and not being able to take in anything which the speaker was saying, this despite the fact that she was talking with sure authority and knowledge on the topic. I was wrestling with the matter as I was trying to take in her talk, and I remember vividly the moment when the realisation hit me like a Giselle hits the ground when it is taken down by a leopard… The reason that I could not listen to her, was due to the fact that she was black. To this day, I remember how I was making judgemental comments in my mind as she was talking, even though I was also trying to really listen to what she was saying.

Needless (for some) to say, I had to reassess my position in this regard and sought the guidance of our flock leader as I worked through the matter in prayer before God. I think part of me was utterly shocked at the realisation, as I had always had a high tolerance for people of other races. I mean - Hello - I was even one of the first people that I knew, that had learnt our new national anthem off by heart in 1994...ja, that did not mean anything.

The matter has for the most part been settled in my heart and mind. But it was only upon grazing through my Human Relations study guide that I realised just how I had missed the mark in my relationships with other people, noteably with people from other races. Although truth was there for the most part (honestly speaking), the realisation sunk in that I had lacked in my sharing of mercy and grace in certain junctions. Being a person who loves people, I became aware of just how I had denied myself so much more in terms of my desire to truly understand people and where they are coming from when they say something or act in a particular way. I was still genuinely interested in knowing people from other races. But as far as seeing them wholly – as the Lord would – in my heart there was a gap, hey…

The footprint of God’s love for others through our interaction with them can be hugely impactful as a bear throwing itself into 2 meters of fresh snow, or about as impactful as the footprint of a fly walking on top of solid jelly. What I am realising increasingly with each day (not really exaggerating here) is just how pivotal the words in 1 Corinthians 13 are. It’s a passage probably known by most people – Christian or non-Christian. But it takes a serious consideration of the heart behind the words to hit home and for it to become useful and truly meaningful - not only to ourselves, but also through us to others.

“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.”
1 Corinthians 13:3-7 (The Message).

In all of this I can testify of the Lord’s application of His Agape principles in my own life on numerous occasions, but one of the most vivid would be the one I just shared on top herre. I think what I am getting at is that we can conjure up therapies and methodology and formulas for helping people relate to each other. But does it encourage relating in a way that serves the other the best? I believe that it is only in conjunction with and understanding of the heart of God behind the Agape principles of relating to people, that we truly see and experience the person that we are dealing with in the fullness and potential with which the Lord has created them.

Heart has a gap, hey? Do some Agape loving of the people around you everyday. I try my best to. It's not the easiest thing to do, especially when people are less than Agape-like to you. But I can confidently say that it is by far the most rewarding way of relating to people.

Bare

You may (or more probably, may not...) have noticed that some changes have gone down on my blog during the past few months. Name changed from "Laughing Lioness" to "Bare"...background image changed from what I wanted people to think was whimsical and creative / pretty (see: "Mundane") to a background depicting a 'vintage' camera with some photographs lying under it.

This theme is alot more true to who I am because truth be told, I am not that whimsical picture. Not by a long shot. At best, my mind jumps between thoughts and processes and people and ideas alot. And memories come back to me as randomly as those photographs (yes, the non-digital ones we used to have) after they have fallen out of the box, and were shoved back into the box unsorted. As much as I love the structure of being able to sort my photographs digitally by date / holiday / life events (left-brain), there are few things as exciting to me as holding an actual photograph in my hand, flipping through a stack of (unsorted) photographs uncovered in a cupboard or a box somewhere (right-brain).

Having nearly reached my mid-thirties (already!), I have been fortunate enough to have journeyed to a place where I am embracing more of the truth of who God has made me to be, becoming less apologetic for who I am and the dreams in my heart, and straining forward to have the extended impact that I think I have always wanted to have in the lives of other people.

So in short, I think the blog will definitely be a whole lot more honest than what it has already be, and I will aim to make it a great deal more relaxed, and real Mishy-like. Bared of all pretence and 'fluff'. Some of you that know me well may argue that it has already been that. But I think that there's a part of me that needed to say that. Needed to write that. Needed to see black on white that I have made it to my mid-thirties despite thought that I would not survive stuff (i.e. matric exams, living back in SA after a couple of stints abroad, having had my online-dating heart broken 5yrs ago, etc.).

What you may also notice is that I finally figured out how to enable comments to be added to my blog posts (yes yes...I know). So please, feel free to leave your thoughts on the posts - past, present, future. I would love to hear what you are thinking and if the blog is even relevant at all.

So...I guess all that's left for me to do is wait for some inspiration... ;)

Pathways

Last week I sent out an email to a few friends and family members, about a teaching that I had been listening to. The response was quite cool, and a few people suggested that I blog the email...so here it is.

I don't usually send out emails like this. Actually, I don't send emails like this at all. Today I simply felt however to share this with you.

In his teaching called "Destinations", Andy Stanley discusses at length the 'Principal of the path'. In short, this principle states that it is not our intention but our direction determines our destination. In our emotions, family life, finances, health, studies, etc we can have the best intentions to improve our current state of affairs. But through the choices that we make daily we embark on a path that leads somewhere. It will be quite hard for us to reach Cape Town from Gauteng if we keep going East on the N4... It is also quite okay to stop and ask for directions...contrary to what some may believe - tsk tsk :)

Often times it seems like the 'natural' thing to do - to lean on our own understanding for a given situation. We often tend to source wisdom from our experience, and it becomes so easy to just make decisions off the cuff and almost without thinking about it. I can share with you confidently - from experience - that those are great examples of the occasions where the Lord often gives clear direction when we ask Him about it...however "straightforward" a decision may appear to be. I have also experienced it to be quite refreshing to be able to trust Him for those"smaller" decisions, and not only the "big" ones.

Unless we are intentional with making good decisions daily that lead to the destination we have in mind or on our hearts, and unless we keep the Lord before us in the decisions we make, we are likely to end up at a destination that we did not want to reach at all.

The scripture above is the key scripture in Andy Stanley's teaching, and it has also been one of those scriptures that has come up throughout my life. It has proven to be pivotal in so many of the decisions that I have made, predominantly the ones that I have made in the past two to five years. And time and again the Lord has been faithful in guiding me in the right direction. Even now, as I consider things for next year - in light of finishing my degree - I am doing my best not to just do what I ASSUME to be the right decisions...

As scary as it may be sometimes, know that the Lord is faithful in where He leads and guides you. It is always wise to seek advice and counsel from older people or other leaders around us. But always know that you can count on God to provide for you and to give you everything that you need for whichever direction He leads you to take.

Perhaps He has already led you onto a path that you may not quite know what the outcome is going to be, or where exactly it is that He is leading you. Keep persevering and keep trusting Him for every step of the way.

Hope you all have a great day, and a wonderful week. May you also have time to do something fun every day.

This is by no means something that I have mastered...not by a longshot. Daily I am reminded of the choices that I make and the potential paths which they lead to. In light of that, I have taken the decision to start exercising again, regardless of how strong or weak I assume my ankle joints may be. Perhaps the choices that you need to make today are a bit more daunting than that. Be that as it may, it does not change the sovereignty of God over everything.

Let your intended destination become your actual destination through self-control, self-discipline, and most of all: Trust in the One who gives us the desire for those intended destinations in the first place.

Off-centre

Sometimes "off-centre" makes for a more artistic photograph...and more often than not, "off-centre" peeps make life a whole lot more fun...and makes one's own "off-centredness" acceptable! You know those times when you come across people that just activate that part of you that you had forgotten even existed?

24 October 1997 was one of those days for me. I arrived at the Traverse City airport in Michigan, to meet the host-family that I would spend 13 months with as their au-pair. I had just come from spending a (rushed) au-pair orientation week in New York City, on my first ever trip abroad. And what a first trip it turned out to be! The Suminski family was initially not the family I had hoped to go to. But the Lord has a sense of humour, and He knows which people would appreciate the things that others would consider quirky or strange… :) What ensued was a year of unexpected adventures, heart-felt generosity, a game of golf on Beaver Island, more Nutty-ness and a bag of remarkable memories big enough to fill the Pacific Ocean a million times :)

Fast forward to 12 August 2012. It has been nearly 14 years since my return from the USA, and we had somehow managed to regain contact through the marvellous wonder that is Facebook. After a couple of months’ worth of correspondence and planning, the Suminski’s came walking through Terminal A arrivals at OR Tambo International Airport, en route back to the USA. Seeing them after so long, was almost surreal. Of course, seeing the boys after all that time, and meeting their sister, was phenomenal and scary at the same time (they were 2.5 and 1.5 yrs old respectively when I left the USA). It is in moments like those that one realises just how fast time goes by. And one cannot help but wonder how much of life we manage to miss along the way through fussing, fighting and just really silly stuff that grabs our attention and distracts us from what matters. (Life is what happens when we’re making other plans…?)

But there wasn’t too much time to ponder that, as they were only going to be here for a week, to experience the Kruger Park…mainly :) What I had bargained for was a week of getting up really early, trusting for them to have amazing sightings of the Big Five, and show them true South African hospitality. What I had not bargained for was the amount of fun, laughter and good old Off-centredness that came with all of that! :) It was like we had picked up where we left off in 1998, when I returned to SA. The boys were perhaps a ‘little’ older…sure. But what a treat it was to not have any awkwardness, and to ease back into conversations. Those conversations mostly involved the use of puns and punchlines, which meant that I was pretty much in my element…! The word “om-nom-nom-nivore” is an expression I will treasure and put to great use in future! However it was the time spent with them – regardless of the sightings or lack thereof at times – that truly blessed my heart. It also helped that they had a true appreciation for the smaller things in Kruger too, and that they were not just out to see the Big Five everyday…although we saw most of them every day :) It all reminded me of the main reason that I had had such a wonderful time during my stay in the USA: Them.

Of course, another highlight was to get to know the boys (and their sister) again for who they were now, what their interests are and just generally coming to the tangible realisation of just how long it has been and how much they have grown up. On a deeper level I think that the week has given me a deeper realisation of the contentment and reward that lies in having children. I had absolutely nothing to do with the boys growing up. But somehow it was as if a part of me couldn’t help but feel proud of the young men they were turning into. And the logical conclusion that I am making is that, if I am feeling that, I can just imagine what their parents feel like. Of course this is not making light of the everyday challenges that come along with raising kids. But if I was not sure before about whether I wanted children or not, I would say it’s pretty much settled now that I would love to. Whichever way the Lord wills it, I am now probably more settled in the matter than ever.

As you may imagine, seeing them off at the airport was unexpectedly more difficult than I had anticipated. Though I must say that the final game of Ninja Warrior did make it a little easier… :) I have come to realise that it truly is possible to have extended family...effortlessly sometimes. I am now convinced time does not mar the relationships that really matter in our lives - 14 years can be made to look like no time apart if we realise the value of true friendships…and the importance of puns in everyday conversations :)

Sometimes "off-centre" makes for a more artistic photograph...and more often than not, "off-centre" people make life a whole lot more beautiful...and makes one's own "off-centredness" somewhat of a strength! :) It was a treat and an honour to be completely 'artistic' with my American family this past week. It's good to have one's inner Elephantom and Om-nom-nom-nivore surface every once in a while... :) Here's to seeing one another again very soon...

Roadmap

Sometimes...I am simply stubborn. See, I intensely dislike being told what to do. Now, this is not something that's new to me…my folks will probably be the first to say, “Ah! At last she sees it!” Laugh out Loud… I won't be the first to admit that I am stubborn. However the realisation of just how deep rooted it is, continues to astound me of late. You might be reading this and be going, “uhm…most of us are stubborn…what’s your point…?” I have to confess…that even after two years of a Theology degree and five years of amazing disciplng…I still forget who God is. Usually this indicates to me that I am off course, albeit just “a little”. And here’s why:

My relationship with God has not been fantastic of late. In fact, the last time that I had regular, meaningful meetings with Him was more than 6 months ago. This came after I spent amazing quiet times with Him, and wondered how anybody who experienced God that way could ever wander off course or away from such a beautiful place. Well, He showed me how…or perhaps, I allowed myself to find out how. It doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen through a series of intentional decisions…

Andy Stanley calls it the “Principle of the path”. Essentially it states that every decision we make affects the route that we end up taking toward a specific goal or destination. “To get from where we don’t want to be to where we do want to be requires two things: time and a change of direction.” We need to make intentional decisions to change our direction in order to reach our desired destinations - whether they are financial, relational, educational. He continues to state that nothing else determines our destination but our direction. Not out intentions, dreams, hopes or IQ levels. Nothing.

Throughout the period of time where I wandered rather far away from the regularity of intentionally spending sit-down time with God, I knew I had to change what was happening, and that it really was a matter of me simply making the decision to sit down and take time out with Him. I realised that I was not heading in the right direction, but kept going anyway. Funny enough, I also found myself making amazing decisions in other areas of my life. For instance I am managing my finances a whole lot better than I have in the past few years. After a year not doing any exercise and ballooning to my heaviest weight ever, I am finally taking control of my eating habits and exercise levels again. My productivity at work has improved significantly after our recent staff appraisals.

But Paul’s words to the Corinthians come to mind as I consider these things.

“1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.”

and

“3-7 If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.”

(quoted from The Message)

Paul’s words in Phillipians 3:7-11 also resonate with my heart at this junction:

“7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in[a] Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. 10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.”

(quoted from the New international Version)

Other areas in my life can improve 110 %. If I don’t have God in it, I have nothing. Then it’s all pointless anyway. Because if I exercise, improve my productivity and manage my finances wisely to glorify Him and be a good ambassador in His Kingdom, it’s nothing but a clanging cymbal if I don’t connect to the King of kings, the Alpha and Omega, the Hope for all nations…Jesus Christ.

So last night I did, albeit just for a short while. I let go of my stubbornness, of my rebelliousness against the nudge that told me I had to do this. Intentionally. I pulled my Bible and journal closer, pondering how to approach the matter…like a girl approaching her dad after she did something she wasn’t supposed to. Still forgetting who God really is… But how faithful He was when I finally let down my guard and let go of my guilty feelings, and silliness, really. In the journal I was able to verbalise to Him the fears and uncertainties that have built up in my heart of late, over some things I have no control over. I didn’t elaborate (much) or go into any detail. I simply put pen to the paper and wrote the matters down in bullet-format. In my mind it doesn’t make any sense that this should make any difference. But somehow, in those few intentional minutes directed at my relationship with God, it was like so much has been lifted from my shoulders…again. And so much inspiration has been re-ignited. Hence this blog post… :) It’s these things about God that never cease to amaze me – that writing down a single word or solitary sentence to Him can say so much and bring such huge relief from the baggage we unnecessarily claim along the way.

Now this may seem quite elementary. But these are the things that impact my heart and life again and again. What studying Theology has taught me more than anything else so far is that, the more I learn about this God I serve, the more I realise that I don’t actually know anything about Him.

The depth and extensive, elaborate loveliness of who God is, is breath-takingly life changing. But at the same time, the wonderful simplicity of who God is, is beautifully comforting.

The stubbornness in me says that I’m okay now, surely I don’t need to meet with Him again soon. But I know that I am making yet another U-turn on this road. Intentionally. My intention or hope or dream to go deeper with God will bring me nowhere if I am not intentional in my daily decision making I to make Him a priority. From experience I know that it is more than worth it. Now, to relinquish my stubbornness to Him and revisit that map to see how far off course I am and which road will lead me safely to my destination.